It’s so natural to me
To detach myself from everyone in due time
I will always push those around me away
Silence is my comfort.
I took my antidepressants with vodka. Sad part is, I can already feel it affecting me. And I haven’t even made it upstairs yet. Maybe I can sleep to tonight for a while. No nightmares. But I’ll wake up, and that will be the most painful part.
I fucking wish you were here. Its nights like this I want to call you and cry and pour my heart out and I fucking can’t. And it kills me. Damn it.
I fucking hate panic attacks. My chest feels tight, I can’t breathe. My head is killing me. I feel like I’m going to puke. I keep grinding my teeth and its killing my jaws. I just want to cry. So hard. Fuck. I’m about to relapse again
dating me means dating my anxiety and my random spouts of depression it means dating my panic attacks at 11pm or 2 am or 5am or anytime of the day for that matter it means dating my mood swings where i get really upset over everything about me and all my insecurities and how i’m not good enough because i’m never good enough
Just Fuck Me
Don’t be afraid to hurt me.
I know you worry. Please don’t. I’m not as fragile as you think.
Don’t tug my hair. Grab it. Force me to my knees with your hands in my hair wrapped in a fist. Pull hard. Make my eyes water.
Don’t graze your teeth along my skin. Devour me. Bite down until I cry out. Then do it again.
Don’t caress my throat. I want to feel your fingers wrap tightly around it. Feel my pulse hammer into your palm. Feel the breath short in my chest and that little bit of panic set in.
Don’t nudge my knees apart. Move them like they’re yours to spread. With intention. With possession.
Don’t hold my hands. I want to feel your strong grip around my wrists. Use all your weight. Make me lie still.
I want it to still hurt tomorrow.
I want to see the bruises. The welts. The handprints.
Don’t ask me if I’m ok.
I need to let go and not think.
I need you to make me yours.
Let my body answer for me with each shudder and moan. With the pool of wetness between my thighs.
These are the things I can’t control. I don’t want to control. That’s the point.
Just fuck me.
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